Kimberly Pace journal excerpts

Finally got Mom into the home. It broke my heart… the look in her eyes, as though we were sending her to prison. Becky and I cried for hours after we left. Is it the right thing? I don't know. We just aren't equipped to take care of her. That sounds so hollow… we're her daughters, her family… why can't we take care of her?

In her lucid moments, she seems just like her old self, and my heart soars. Then, out of the blue, that vacant stare… We're doing the right thing… she needs care… we're doing the right thing. Why do I feel so guilty?

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I need to visit Frances… I should… we're friends. What kind of person am I? I can't face it. I can't bring myself to watch her wasting away. I can't deal with Arthur and his evil eye. Like he blames me for what's happened to her. It's already too much to watch my own mother disintegrate before my eyes. Why can't he understand? He's got his grief; I have mine. It's not like I never see her! I go sometimes, but I have so many other worries…

I'm a bad person. I should be able to handle this. Sometimes… I just can't be strong anymore. I have to be strong for Mom, for Becky… even for Paul. Everybody needs to lean on me. I need to lean too!

Thank God for Jeremy and Cheryl. I think I'd go nuts if they weren't there to listen to me. Still, the guilt… I can't take it. Too much, way too much for me. Nothing anybody says makes it even slightly ease up. I feel like I'm balancing the whole world… oh god, listen to me. Poor, poor me. Knock it off, Kim. Give it a rest. You can do what you can do, and that's all you can do. You can't stop time; you can't stop the world. Just take a nap and get over yourself.

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Dear God, tell me it's OK that I didn't go to the funeral. Please, somebody, tell me not to feel this way! 

I'm sorry, Frances. I'm so sorry. I just couldn't go. Would it help if I told you that just two days ago, Mom almost killed herself? Would that explain it to you? She almost walked off that balcony, never having a clue… would that make it better? 

No, of course, it wouldn't. Did the flowers help? The look Arthur gave me — like he could kill me as soon as look at me. Doesn't he have enough perspective to see I have some serious troubles of my own? 

No, of course, he doesn't… you were his whole life. I'll make it up to you… somehow. 

Where is Paul? I need to cry. I need somebody to hold me and let me cry and be weak and protect me. Good luck with that idea! Get over yourself, Kim. Get over yourself.

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This is payback. I know it. Emerson didn't do it. He must have antagonized him. He's just trying to make me feel bad about Frances. Why can't he just leave me alone? I can't believe someone as sweet as Frances was ever married to such a nasty old man as Arthur.

What's his problem? Everybody loves Emerson but him. Well, screw him! Maybe I'll just let Emerson into his yard one night when he's gone and let him mess with those damn rose bushes. That would teach him.

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OK, now he's done it! Calling the police about my dog! How low can a person get? That smirk on his face… I'd like to wipe it off… permanently! He better not try anything, I swear!

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I can't believe it. Emerson, what happened to you? I'm so sad. I can't believe how sad I am. 

I'm so sorry I left you. I knew I shouldn't have. I knew something would happen. Why didn't I listen to myself? Why, why, why? I knew that girl couldn't be trusted. She's so young, so stupid! 

Paul, how could you talk me into going? Leaving him? It's not Paul's fault. You can't blame him; you know that. Stop it, Kimberly. 

You know who did this. You know that bastard Arthur did it. I know it. He did it, he did it, he did it. Why doesn't anyone believe me? Why can't they see what I see? I'm going to get to the bottom of it. Watch out, Arthur. Just watch out!

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OK, everybody in the world thinks I'm some paranoid, whacko animal lover or something. Nobody but me thinks what happened to Emerson was anything but an accident. He got into something; he died. That's the end of the story. 

I have to accept it. My head keeps telling me, but my heart won't listen. Jeremy is right; I need to move on. I need to just get another dog to love and let it go. It's so hard. I don't want to let it go, but I have to… 

Damn everything! I want my dog back! I want my mother back! I want my life back! What hell this has been.

OK, enough pouting. I'll let it go. I'll go with Jeremy to look at this pup he told me about. I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it.

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OK, love at first sight. What a beautiful boy he is! I love this dog! Thoreau, I'm calling him. He's so beautiful! And nothing will ever happen to him. I feel so much better. Even though everything else has gone to s***…

Paul, please stop with the jealousy. Laurence, leave me the hell alone. Mom, please stop the descent into the other world. 

Oh god, go to sleep, Kim. It will be better in the morning… really, it will. Look at your sweet new puppy. Things will be better.

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