Caitlin Maxwell's diary, Part 2

I'm totally ashamed of the way I behaved. After I finished writing, I went over to church and stuffed some envelopes for a while, and everyone there was so happy to see me. They didn't really mind about us being in fourth place. They were just glad to see me, and they were all hoping I would keep skating.

When I told them about placing fourth, they thought it was really good and said we should be proud of ourselves. I felt like everyone there wanted me to succeed, but in a nice way. Maybe I shouldn't be so judgmental of my parents. They only want what's best for me.

This entry was posted on December 15, 2013.

I'm going to see Maggie tomorrow. We text and talk on the phone lots, but we haven't seen each other since the summer. I'm excited! I want to get out and just have a life, for once. We're going to see "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire."

Cameron is just sitting around. I guess he talks to Ryan sometimes, but I'm kind of worried. I asked if he wanted to come to the movie and he said no.

He's been giving me these weird looks. I don't think he's mad at me, but sometimes it's like he's disappointed or something. Then last night at dinner, he criticized me for spilling the wine. Mom didn't say anything. I just got up and got a sponge to clean it up. I couldn't see what the big deal was.

I want to love them. I do love them, really I do. But sometimes I just feel so mad! I don't want to think badly of them, but sometimes I do. I just feel so negative. I know I should stop. I'm trying so hard!

This entry was posted on December 20, 2013.

Maggie is really great. She and I talked for a long time after the movie. We went to Denny's and she had some fries. She's doing really well, and I'm really glad for her.

She put things in perspective. I was complaining about our costumes and she said, "If that's all you have to complain about, you're really lucky." We laughed about it. It wasn't like a serious lecture or anything, like some other people would've done.

She's right. I'm really lucky to have this chance. I guess maybe I'm kind of spoiled now. I get all these clothes and stuff. It's just ridiculous! And now I'm going to Boston.

I think it's going to work out really well. I think we'll really be able to pull it together this time, and I can go out on a high note.

This entry was posted on December 21, 2013.

I just talked with Austin. I hadn't seen him since last night, so I told him about the Boston thing. He said he already knew about it. He said he was disappointed about the money, but he wasn't really surprised. He said he'd just have to find another way.

I hugged him real hard. Sometimes when he looks at me, he looks like he feels sorry for me. I don't know why. Everyone says I'm really lucky to have this chance.

This entry was posted on December 28, 2013.

Here's my list of resolutions.

(1) Love my family & don't judge them.

(2) Decide about skating.

(3) Do more weight training.

(4) Get a boyfriend.

This entry was posted on January 1, 2014.

Maggie and I are going out again. She'll be here in a few minutes. I think it will be our last chance to see each other before Cameron and I leave for Boston. I can't believe the time has gone by so fast.

Speaking of Cameron, we had a fight on the way back from Memphis. I don't know why he's so mad at me. It's like every little mistake is my fault. I told him I just couldn't deal with the pressure, with him always acting like everything is my fault. I said we really needed to work as a team.

Then he said that, as far as he was concerned, he couldn't work with me as a team because I was always trying to take control, like I'm trying to lead or something. I guess maybe I do do that sometimes. I just can't help it. When the music is on, I just feel the rhythm better than he does, and I end up cueing him. I know he hates that, but if I'm better, shouldn't I be in control?

Anyway, he was trying to psych me out, saying he ought to give me a lesson if I kept messing up. I don't understand when he gets like that lately. He's never been like that before. We've had arguments before, but he's never been so, like, macho.

I was scared, but I didn't let him psych me out. I just told him to shut up. We just ended up not saying anything for the rest of the ride.

Dad didn't say anything during the whole argument. He just kept driving.

When we got home I went right up to my room and locked the door. As soon as Maggie gets here I'll go down, and Cameron and Dad will probably be all cheery. Ugh.

This entry was posted on January 1, 2014.

It's like 2:00 in the morning. I've decided I definitely want to escape this whole situation. I know it would really hurt Mom, but I never want to see my family again. I think I'll go to California and go to college there.

It's a really hateful idea, and I know I shouldn't hate anyone. I'm trying to love them. But I think maybe if I went away, that would help me love them more, and then maybe I could come back and we could all just accept each other for who we are and move on.

Maybe this doesn't make any sense. I don't know. I keep praying for answers.

This entry was posted on January 2, 2014.

We're getting all packed and ready to go. I'm looking forward to seeing Boston. I'm not really excited about skating.

I mean, I love Cameron and I want to support him and everything, but I just don't know how it's going to work out.

I really do want to work hard. Maybe if I start to work harder, I'll be able to get back into it, at least until this season ends in June. I'm sure I'll really be inspired.

I just wish Cameron would be nicer to me. He's been really harsh this past week, always criticizing me. It doesn't help. We need to be a team.

I feel so sorry for Austin. Mom and Dad just don't really notice him. They never have big farewell parties for him. But I guess he doesn't really go away like we do.

Everyone has been really cheery this evening, though. We all talked to Nana, and now we're going to have dinner. I really feel like we can all get along when it's like this. I really feel like we can all love each other and not hurt each other. This is the way it's supposed to be.

This entry was posted on January 2, 2014.